Halloween proves that women can make anything look sexy--whether it's a nurse's outfit or a cop uniform or a nun's habit. (Especially a nun's habit.) Whatever your preference, there's very likely a woman somewhere who's willing to finish it off with fishnets and a low-cut top. And as fall's here, now's the time to bring up your fantasies: Halloween gives both of you cover, explains Karen Sherman, Ph.D., a Long Island psychologist and therapist. "Anytime she's in costume, taking on another identity feels safer," she says. "And that gives you permission to embrace it." Try this four-step plan for a kinky night.
1. Jumpstart Her Fantasy
"Gauge her interest. It's important that she not feel pressured. That'll kill her arousal," says William Picker, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Sleepy Hollow, New York. "You might just ask, 'Have you ever thought about dressing up?'" University of Michigan research found that when a woman just thinks about a sexual fantasy, she releases testosterone, which is linked to desire, within 15 minutes. Fantasies tend to be specific, so consider selecting costumes together, says Stephen Snyder, M.D., a Manhattan sex therapist. "She may love being a French maid, but what's hot to you may be tacky to her and vice versa," he says. What, was the feather duster too much?
2. Commit to a Character
The costume is just a start. Now you need to actually commit to the fantasy. Begin with some gentle reassurance: Tell her how sexy you think she looks in that chef's getup, or how much you dig her faux French accent. These compliments add up: "There's an old saying: The better part of desire is being desired," says Picker. "Nothing is hotter than seeing lust in your partner's eyes." But remember, one night of role play won't revitalize an otherwise dormant sex life. "Great fantasy requires that you already have a sexual charge going," Dr. Snyder says. "It's a way of celebrating your sexual attraction to each other, not creating it."
3. Maintain Some Mystery
Now for the easy part: The positive reinforcement. The next morning, tell her how amazing you thought the night was, says Picker, and leave it at that. In the meantime, just allow the memory to simmer--it will leave both of you wanting more. "Fantasies take their power from the fact that they're things we dream about," Dr. Snyder says. "If they happened with any regularity, they wouldn't be as special." In other words, there's no need for in-depth postgame analysis. Patience will lead to your payoff. "Slip in a reminder, like 'Remember Halloween?'" he says. And that, of course, is the best time to spring an erotic new idea on her.
4. Raise the Sexual Stakes
Don't just send the costumes to the dry cleaner. What started with dress-up should lead to other, more creative experiments. Shared secrets, for instance--especially when you're doing something others may disapprove of--can be a potent aphrodisiac, says Picker. So you might try a subtler move, such as asking her to wear lingerie under her work attire or surprising each other with R-rated Snapchats when you're apart. Fantasy, Picker adds, can also open the door to kinky new directions. Forty-seven percent of women, in fact, have tried bondage during foreplay and intercourse, according to a 2012 survey by the Swedish sex toy brand Lelo.
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